If I wait for my Nigerian mother to look me in the eye and say, "I was wrong, I am sorry for shouting," I will probably grow grey hair and join my ancestors. It just doesn't happen. In a Nigerian home, "I am sorry" is a foreign language that our parents refuse to learn. Instead, they have a secret code. You can have a world-class argument at 4 PM; the kind where veins are standing out on necks and you’re already planning how to relocate to Canada but by 7 PM, the "apology" arrives.

It doesn't come with words. It comes with a knock on the door and a question like, "Have you eaten? Go and check the kitchen, I left rice for you." That rice is the apology. That "Go and buy Pepsi" is the olive branch. It is frustrating, it is funny, and honestly, it is exhausting.

The "Respect" Trap

The problem is that our parents grew up in a system where "Age" equals "Infallibility." To them, admitting they are wrong to their child feels like they are losing their "Parenting License." They think if they apologize, the roof will collapse or you will suddenly start putting your feet on the dining table.

So, they choose "Peace" over "Accountability." They would rather buy you a new shoe or cook your favorite soup than acknowledge that they hurt your feelings. And because we want peace too, we accept the rice. We eat the apology and we move on, but the "messy spreadsheet" of our emotions stays unaddressed.

The Emotional Gymnastics

We’ve become experts at reading their moods. We know that when Daddy starts asking about "how is work?" out of the blue after a week of silence, that is his version of a deep, emotional hug.

But as we get older, we start realizing that "Food as an Apology" isn't enough. We are the generation that goes to therapy and learns about "Effective Communication," but then we go home for the weekend and all that English disappears. You can't tell a Nigerian father about "boundaries" or "emotional intelligence" without him asking if you’ve finished the money he sent you for school.

The Real Gist

Between you and me, I’ve realized that they aren't going to change. They are products of their own "strict" upbringing where they probably got it ten times worse. To them, the fact that they are even feeding you after an argument is a sign of great "softness."

So, we have a choice. We can either stay angry and wait for a word that will never come, or we can learn to translate their "Love Language." I’ve started seeing the "Have you eaten?" for what it really is, it’s them saying "I love you and I’m sorry, but my pride won’t let me say it."

It’s not perfect, and it’s definitely not the "healthy communication" we see on TikTok, but it’s the reality of the Nigerian home.

The Bottom Line

Stop waiting for the "closure" you see in Hollywood movies. Your mother is not going to sit you down for a "heart-to-heart" over tea.

Accept the rice. Buy the soft drink. But also, make a promise to yourself that when it’s your turn to be a parent, you will learn how to say the actual words. We can appreciate their effort while choosing to do better.

In the meantime, if the apology comes with fried plantain, please take it.